Why do we resist changing, if we know that it will help us feel better?
I have a thorn at the bottom of my foot, that my parents put there. As I grow, the pain is so awful that I cannot walk comfortably, but I feel I cannot disobey my parents and remove it.
When I try to remove it myself, I feel a little better; but I feel guilty because my parents told me to keep it there, so I shove it back in. It hurts so much more now, so I go to the doctor.
She tries to pull it out, and because she tries to do so, she is betraying my parent's instructions to leave it there and now, she becomes my enemy, so I pull away to keep the painful thorn in.
The doctor decides to slowly wiggle the thorn out, by consoling me with love and kindness. After a few long moments the thorn is out for the first time in my life!
I am anxious, because I now have an open wound, but I know if I put the thorn back in, it will hurt so much more. The pain is alluring when I’m going through rough times; but the doctor’s technique of love and kindness feels so much better.
The wound begins to close as I help other’s pull their thorns out, using the same technique the doctor performed on me. The thorn no longer fits back in its place, as my wound gets smaller, and I am able to confidently walk away from the pain.
-Chardonnay Badchkam LMHC, NBCC
Before I explain my meaning of this poem, I want you to feel for a moment, what this poem means to you. Check in with your body. Are your shoulders tense, are your arms crossed, are leaning forward or away from the screen? What are your feelings about reading this poem? Indifferent, due to lack of interest, frustrated because it makes no sense, or sad as you may feel you can relate to your understanding of the poem? We go through so many things throughout the day, that sometimes we neglect how we feel about most things. Understanding the feeling, helps us to deeply take in the message provided, as our feelings are smarter than our thoughts. Taking things in at a superficial level, does not help us access the wisdom we have within.
The message of this poem indicates that, we develop habits through our lives that interfere with moving forward or being where we want to be in life. We first learn these habits from the people who provide our first experiences with connecting with one another; our family. This is not meant to pass judgement on anyone’s upbringing or parenting, but to acknowledge that even our family members can do things to hurt our feelings and, in some circumstances, we might not have the capacity or opportunity to communicate this openly.
With family being the first social structure that you interact with, we see different ways of handling emotions that might not be the most healthy. Therefore, handling emotions in a negative way may seem like the norm in the environment we grow up in.
We may see that these reactions to emotions or behaviors are abnormal when we interact with people outside of our home environment. One person may react to anger by not talking about it as that was the norm in their family; another person may want to talk about their anger, and resolve it right away because, that was the norm in their household. Either way these two might find it hard to understand each other’s way of handling anger.
This norm, is our “default” mode, a negative behavior we defer to when at times we try to hide it or adjust it when we are out in public. However, we go back to the default in times of distress or when we are caught off guard because, we were programmed that way from the very beginning. Eventually, we realize that our default mode is affecting different areas in our lives such as developing an addiction to cope with the behavioral or emotional outcomes of our “default” mode, having relationship issues, affecting the way we respond to anger, or feeling stuck in life or anxious about making decisions.
Eventually, when people realize that their normal way of dealing with emotions and certain behaviors are not working out for them, they seek help through counseling to help manage these emotions. Paradoxically, this is where the resistance to change begins.
It begins when the therapist enlightens you to the fact that the way you have been dealing with things your whole life, is affecting you negatively. Resistance is when we defend our norms and default modes. Why does this happen when the results of those norms and default modes bought us to voluntarily seek treatment in the first place?
The reason is…. it is what we know. Although it is affecting us negatively, it is comfortable whether you are aware of it or not. The defense is “how can you tell me to do something in the complete opposite way of how I’ve been doing it my entire life”? At an unconscious level, although dysfunctional, we see our upbringing as the “correct” way of dealing with things and are defensive when we hear the opposite. Or it could be that we deny the existence of the dysfunctional behavior because (to put it simply) deep down we feel it is shameful.
Most people will experience this resistance at some point or another when they start to meet with a therapist on a regular basis. This is one of the top reasons people stop going to therapy altogether. How do we get past this, so we can grow emotionally and resolve the things we came to therapy for in the first place?
The answer is in the first paragraph of this portion of the article. First, we have to be mindful and aware of what we are feeling. Acknowledge that those behaviors you believed to be the norm are holding you back. If not, that is why they say “denial ain’t just a river in Egypt”! Second, accept that those behaviors and feelings are there. You don’t have to do anything about it right away, just know that it is there. Be aware of it when it comes up. Third, forgive yourself when you come to the realization of how those responses to emotions and behaviors affected the ones you care for and/or when you finally see how those behaviors have been so destructive in your life. Fourth, now that you really see with depth how your behaviors are driving you crazy, be open to the help the therapist provides to put you in the driver’s seat to your emotions.
In the poem, change comes to the person when the doctor slowly wiggles the thorn out with love and kindness. A good therapist takes care in recognizing these resistances are a normal part of therapy and works at the pace that doesn’t push you too hard too fast. With the therapist’s direct honesty, consistency, patience, care, empathy, listening, feeling, and understanding of your defaults or norms; you as the client begin to trust that it is okay to step outside your comfort zone, because you begin to realize that someone is there who cares and will be there when there is anxiety about changing.
There may be some setbacks along the way, as the negative way of coping with things is what we know as comfortable but, overtime we realize the truth that your default method does not resolve the reason you looked for therapy in the first place. You gain strength when your negative default or norm has changed to a positive healthy default and norm. For example, someone might say “before I came to therapy I used to shut down when I was angry and drank alcohol; now I automatically talk about what is bothering me, and I feel better”. This does not happen overnight. To get to this point of true change takes time, patience, having awareness and being humble.
Lastly, as you come to the understanding that true empathy can help people change; hopefully you can pass on this kindness to others who are struggling and understand them on a deeper level. A superficial outlook does not help you get to this point, and that is why I say that emotions are smarter than thoughts.
Learn how I can help you with outpatient addiction counseling, anger management, relationship issues, and if you’re feeling lost. If reading this makes you aware of something you are struggling with, contact me to schedule a free 15-minute screening.
